The Enigma Order

Book of Obscure Remedies, Chapter 1: The 5 best and worst weapons.

This is the first in a series of monthly articles from me. I will mostly do top 5 lists, and similar stuff. In good old Blizzard style, I will try to have a humorous angle, but you know... humor is subjective, so keep coming with critiques both on the writing and of course what stuff I put/forgot to put on the lists.

Weapons are without a doubt an important part of the game, and for most players – in particular those playing melee classes, it’s the single (or double, if you dual wield) most important item you got (Pre-Cata, a caster could go through the game wielding a fish for a weapon, and do ok dps, but thanks to changes with spellpower/intellect, a weapon is a significant boost for a caster too).
Now let me just apologize, this list will mostly contain weapons from vanilla and the first expansion. Was it my lack of activity that in turn failed to give me an emotional connection to the loot, or just that the weapons of WotLK sucked? I’m leaning towards the latter, but feel free to correct me.

All right! What is the best weapon in game? I’d like to say it’s subjective, and the list will absolutely confirm this, but some weapons are just damn good. The effects a Bloodied Arcanite Reaper with Crusader have for your gameplay at level 1 is undeniable – and if you take into consideration that pretty much everyone and their granmother can get this weapon/enchant, it’s a natural contender to this list. On the other end of the scale, you got a weapon like the deliciously staff-looking staff Atiesh. An item so rare only a handful players on old servers got one. This is a staff with not only incredible stats – but tailormade for each of the four caster classes. On top of that a use effect that makes it bag-worthy at all times. Or what about Teebu’s Blazing Longsword, the first epic sword most players ever saw. A weapon that still to this day generates 100k+ gold on AH.
Naturally, this list will contain such weapons, that are universally great. But you will also find a few surprises on the list.

We can start with the bad weapons. This list is a bit different that the ”best” list. There is a ridiculous amount of boring and uninteresting weapons (most of these are from WotLK). And while they could all make the ”bad” list, I prefer to include weapons most people actually remember, and have a relation to. I mean, in five or ten years, people will still remember most of the vanilla epics, but the likes of Falric’s Wrist Chopper and Bone Golem Scapula was forgotten the very second they were disenchanted.



Worst


5 Brain Hacker
Just to get it out of the way, I haven’t even looked at wowhead comments, but I’m sure there’s your random warrior trying to claim that ”this is good because attack speed and stuff” (read in dps warrior voice). Or the paladin everybody mocks behind his back who heroically states that small but plentiful numbers is the way to go. No. This weapon sucks. Plain and simple. It even looks bad, it looks like something they would sell in a chinese thrift store. Cool name though...

4 The Bladefist
Now, this is not a bad weapon, and I actually thought of mentioning it in the ”best” list. It has good dps for that level, it looks awesome, and it makes perfect sense to loot it, seing as the guy you just killed tried to hack your head off with it. The reason it’s on the worst list: Great stats, cool looks, but who the hell uses fist weapons?

3 The Legendary Weapons of Kael’Thas Sunstrider
Doesn’t it suck? You get to loot the fantastic legendary items, with stats beyond anything you have ever seen, and then they dissapear!! What a damn cheat! Of course, you got revenge on that moron. Killing Kael’Thas was as fulfilling as bosskills come, mostly because that fool never shuts up during the entire fight. Then a few months later you got to kill Zombie-Kael’Thas as well.

2 Shadowstrike
When asked about bad weapons in World of Warcraft, this is usually the first that comes to mind. And for good reason. Shadowstrike is a polearm that is too fast, has low dps, no stats, and a useless chance on hit. Shadowstrike can transform into Thunderstrike –  a polearm that is too fast, has low dps, no stats and a useless chance to hit. Honestly, this weapon is ridiculed to the point where I actually feel sorry for it, so I won’t put it in number one. Rightfully so. In fact, the number one outcraps Vendorstrike by a mile.

1 Blade of Eternal Darkness
You know, they actually upgraded this item at some point. It used to be manasteal on chance to melee hit. So it used to be worse than this, and it’s still the worst item in the game. Epic fail. 



Best


5 Corrupted Ashbringer
Kinda weird weapon stat wise, it has an insignificant chance on hit and negative stamina as the only attribution stat. Clearly a weapon for dps warriors or retardins. What makes the Corrupted Asbringer make the list is not the stats, but rather the everything else. First things first, this is as rare a weapon as you get. You read about Atiesh? This is up there, only way cooler. Filled with lore, took you through an epic quest chain (check it on youtube), and gave you quite possible the coolest ”equip” in the game. The sword actually whispers to you. Creepy and awesome!

4 Talon of Azshara
Most people forget that there was a time when warriors didn’t have monkey grip, or what ever it’s called. 2 handers were two-handed. Couple that with the fact that The Untamed Blade looks cooler than a speeding train in flames, with Chuck Norris at the steering wheel, and you can see why Talon of Azshara makes the list. Suddenly you had a fantastic looking 2 handed weapon that could be used in one hand. Rogues were all over this weapon, but they got stiff competition from basically all sword-wielding classes. 

3 Shadowmourne
Honestly, most of the legendary weapons could be put in this list – they are naturally the best items at that point in the game. Nothing different about Shadowmourne in that context: it has great stats. But there is a reason it makes the list instead of the curiously tiny, but oh so gorgeous Sulfuras, or Thunderfury, with a chance on hit so powerful it had to be nerfed several times. The reason lies not in the stats, but in all the extra stuff you get. A mount, a tabard, frozen dwarf disguise, a portal to Dalaran, and singing spirits. These items are useless in terms of gameplay, but unlike the weapon, they can never be replaced by upgrades. These were Bind on Use, so some lucky DKP spenders chose to sell them on AH for several gold pieces, while others simply used them on the spot, forever keeping their character legendary. Reading discussions about who should and shouldn't get this item makes my head hurts. Sure, this item is better in the hands of the dps warrior than the holy paladin... For a few months. But the novelty items will be useful for all classes until they shut down the server for good.

2 Verigan’s Fist
This item is no longer in the game, and with the introduction of heirloom weapons, it’s still possible to level a paladin. But there was a time... and stay with me here, you who didn’t level paladins, because it’s probably hard for you to understand how good this weapon was. There was a time when the world trembled, the mountains came down by the very sight of you and your mace. The horde fled like the vermin they were. And you, in all your holy glory stood ready to smite any and all that stood in your way.

1 Benediction/Anathema
Getting this weapon was torture. Not only did you have to do almost an entire run of Molten Core (and 50% chance that stupid leaf dropped), you also had to endure a tedious demon farming for days and nights! And no one told you they were upping the drop rate next reset! Grrrr!
But the thing about Benediction – it was worth it. The quest that was unlike anything else at that point in the game: A quest where you were all alone (well, except the druid who gave you thorns, and the paladin with the aura), and you had to heal NPCs! The stats: shadowresistance, spellpower, 2% crit!The use effect that actually turned it into another weapon for another spec! There was no reason to switch out this weapon in vanilla wow. Sure, you could get an upgrade with the Blessed AQ weapons, or from Naxxramas. But you didn’t have to, and the fact that the priest was wielding Benediction instead of The Widow’s Embrace, was not the reason the tank died.
Also, have you ever seen a weapon more suited for one class than Benediction? Just look at it. Every priest in the game ran around with it, and almost like a secret handshake, we all knew how cool we were.